Call your mom and tell her that you’re sorry, because tonight, I’m going to help you clean out your closet.
Here’s five articles of clothing that need to go. Like now.
1. Back Away From the Cargo Pants/Shorts
You’re not ready to be a dad yet, so stop dressing like one. First of all, there is not a pair of cargo pants on this Earth that are made to be anything less than ill fitting.
Plus, if you are shorter than 5’10, you’re going to look like an actual midget in cargos. 19,000 pockets and company aren’t a good look on anyone.
Unless you are planning a trip to Patagonia and you, for some reason, need a pocket for a various set of tools and camping gadgets, your cargo pants are unacceptable.
Please throw them into a black garbage bag full of your other shameful clothing choices. Then kindly insert them into the dumpster that they belong in.
2. Ralph Lauren Polos
Maybe you were a frat boy in college, but it’s time to let those days go now. You can keep one for the memories, but it’s time to pass the torch down to the next generation of college bros.
Light a candle for your old polos and give them the proper vigil that they deserve. Sing a hymnal, wipe away a tear, place them into a small wooden ship, shoot a fiery arrow on board the ship, and watch your 20s drift away.
That’s what you need to do. It’s the right thing to do. I’ll be there virtually to hold your hand through this.
3. Gym Clothes That Look Like Tattered Rags
“Please sir, can I have some more douche?”
That’s basically my Oliver Twist rendition of men who wear this crap to the gym.
You literally have to make the shirt look like this with a pair of scissors and an ego the size of Jupiter. Just don’t wear a shirt if you are trying to show off. Let your muscles glisten without bringing a strap of cloth into this.
Athletic wear has made some serious strides, so it’s time to start getting on board with that. Under Armor, Nike, whatever it may be, but it doesn’t need to be this.
Don’t even donate this shirt to charity. Put it out of it’s misery and place it gently in your dish rag drawer. Find it a nice home amongst its kind.
4. Throw Everything Camo in the Fireplace
Unless you’re deer hunting or in the army, there’s really no reason you should be wearing camouflage.
These pants in the picture above cost close to $2,000.00. WHY!???! Not only are they camo, they’re also cargo pants. Jesus. It’s like God is punishing us with these.
Sometimes price tags don’t mean crap, just saying.
A lot of people have an old army jacket or two laying around. I’m just as guilty, but please give it away to the recently graduated college kid that is trying to find themselves in a new city.
You don’t need it anymore.
Homeless chic isn’t a good look when you’re pushing 30.
5. This Jacket That Everyone Had in Middle School
This whole closet cleaning thing can be hard, especially if you’re a sentimental person. It’s kind of like when Andy gives his old toys away in Toy Story 2. You don’t want to let go of an article of clothing that evokes old memories.
But ya old North Face needs to go, dude.
Once it was the envy of every kid in school, but that was 8th grade and it’s now time to move on to bigger and better things in life.
I get if you love snowboarding or hitting the mountains and you need some North Face gear, but the majority of normal people look like a prepubescent version of themselves in their matted up, dirty AF jacket from their horror years.
Am I the only person to refers to middle school this way?
In the end, if you can’t seem to let go of all your old clothes, ask your grandmother to make you a quilt out of your old cargo pants, Ralph Lauren Polos, tattered gym loin cloths, camo shorts, and 38-year-old North Face jacket.