7 Minutes in Heaven Played with the Women From Game of Thrones

What if you got seven minutes in heaven with one of the women from Game of Thrones? In this fantasy, only the ones who are still alive are sitting around you, awaiting their fate.

Be careful who you try to spin the bottle towards… here’s the possible outcomes you might face:

Daenerys Targaryen

I’m pretty sure seven minutes in heaven with Dany is the epitome of every man’s dream come true. Anyone with eyes can see that The Mother of Dragons is seriously hot, but don’t get any ideas. While our favorite little Breaker of Chains is extremely sexy, there’s one word that you won’t want to hear whispered in your ear amongst your dad’s linen suit: “dracarys.” Translated into English, this means that you’re about to become a human barbecue.

Do’s for when you get into the closet: bend the knee.

Don’ts: say you wish Cersei was there.

Even if you are able to catch her eye, most men who fall in love with her seem to forget that she’s a single mother. Welcome to fatherhood!  I suppose it’s a bit harder when you’re playing stepfather to her “children,” who have the ability to eat people and breath fire.

Unless you’re Jon Snow, you might want to spin the bottle towards someone else, despite your initial thoughts.

Melisandre

Seven minutes in heaven with Melisandre would be nothing less than a spiritual awakening. She’s basically like a Jehovah’s Witness when it comes to the Lord of Light. As long as you’ve promised to convert and offer up your future children to be burned at the stake, she’s down for anything.

Out of all the stars on Game of Thrones, The Red Woman really knows how to show off her ass…ets.

Pro tip: If you’re looking for action, claim to be The Prince Who Was Promised.

I suppose the only scary part would be when she goes to take her makeup off and she’s like an 8,000-year-old witch. This is already every man’s worst fear, but damn girl, that’s just dismal.

Oh, and the fact that she can raise people from the dead, which kind of takes “freaky” to a whole ‘nother level.

Cersei Lannister

For this one, you’re going to need to do a bit of role playing. First of all, Cersei is all about those incestual vibes. If you plan on directing your aim at her, be prepared. A few essentials for not being murdered at the hands of this black widow are:

-A blonde wig, a prosthetic arm, shiny armor, the Lannister crest, and her exact genetic DNA.

Although Cersei is 1000% pure evil, she’s also smart. The only way to really be of value to her, is to be valuable. Even Euron Greyjoy knows this, you dang fool! Bring something to the table, and you might just get some favor from our least favorite queen.

Just to be safe, I’d completely avoid kissing. She still might have a bit of poisonous lipstick left up her sleeve.

Sansa Stark

While Sansa might be the most docile character on GOT right now, she’s steadily increasing in power. I don’t really think she is a legitimate threat to anyone currently though, so this might be a good person to try for.

The only problem is that you’re definitely going to have someone watching you two. Hope you’re into voyeurism!

Somewhere lurking in the darkest corners of the closet, Little Finger, Arya, and Brienne of Tarth will have their eyes on you. Another thing to worry about is Bran’s annoying Three-Eyed Raven act. From atop your mom’s shoe rack, he will be able to leverage his butt into the perfect position to release some droppings onto your head.

Talk about a bad date.

Arya Stark

Is that a Needle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Either way, Arya doesn’t have time for nonsense like this. She’s too busy snooping around Little Finger’s quarters, showing off her fighting skills, trying on different faces, and plotting to kill people.

In order to peak her interest, challenge her to a duel once she enters the closet. She won’t say no, because every fiber in her being wants to prove herself. Granted, you’re probably going to die, but nevertheless, this is a honest possibility with any of these women.

Why are we even playing this game?

Yara Greyjoy

Yara is openly a lesbian, so needless to say, closets aren’t her thing.

Brienne of Tarth

Out of all of these weirdos, Brienne might be the one I’d personally go for. She’s loyal, she’s sensitive, and she’s a whole lot of woman.

Once you’ve made a special connection with Brienne, she’s going to love you for life. She’s kind of a Stage 5 Clinger, so expect her to be sticking around for awhile, even if your kiss meant nothing. This is something you’ll have to explain later on down the road, but for now, it actually works to your advantage.

You see, she’s all about that oath life, so it could be cool to know that after you’re released from the closet, you’ll be completely safe from the rest of the women. The Lord of Light knows you’re going to need that extra protection. These women aren’t fooling around and are more than likely going to find a reason to kill you, if they haven’t already killed each other by the time your seven minutes are up.


In loving memory of the Tyrells.